So many queries as to how I am and where I am. Thank you for all of those and for the good wishes. The truth is that whilst my ill fortune could not get any worse…. it did stay pretty bad. I made the following notes along the way…..
Good grief. What am I doing here? It is the 1st of February and I am propped up in a hospital bed and I confess to trying to control the fear inside me.
This has been a terrible month. On the very first day I made a mistake using a table saw and damaged my left hand. It wasn’t just the pain that hit me, or the realisation that I might not be able to perform magic again, it was the aftershock and stress that really cut into me and all month I have had to keep dragging myself up from depression. I have had to give myself many a talking to and just when I thought I was winning I got severe stomach cramps. These were so severe I finished up being looked after by paramedics and taken into the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
I had had food poisoning that took me close to leaving the planet a couple of times and this felt like that, only worse. I wanted to be sick but I couldn’t be. They hit me with pills on pills on pills, took blood and injected me to kill the pain and over a period of 12 hours came to the conclusion I had gall stones. They sent me home and within minutes of walking through the front door I got my wish. Thankfully I had made it to the bathroom when my innards left me.
The next day they gave me one of those ultra sound scans and started talking about removing my gall bladder. To them this is routine stuff. To me it’s a MAJOR piece of my body.
I know they have told me it’s an unnecessary bit, rather like the appendix… was God really that bad at design? All I know is that they have put me on the emergency list for tomorrow because I have now had two of these attacks. They hope they can fit me in. I have had to sign the form. The very nice surgeon explained how simple it all is BUT then they go through all the (albeit small percentages) of things that might go wrong and now I keep trying to find stuff to focus on to take me away from the nasty bits.
Debbie was here earlier. I feel terrible about the strain under which I am putting her. Deb is brilliant at smiling, laughing, reassuring me, but I know all this stuff is getting to her. Please don’t let tomorrow go wrong and mess up her life any more.
Tonight they have just been, yet again, and my blood pressure has gone through the roof. Oh dear. I have always been able to control myself when they took it but I am SO uptight that maybe the machine is close to the mark.
Everything in here bleeps. Men snore, belch, vomit, fart all through the night but it is the non stop warning bleeps that come from the electronic devices attached to patients that get to me. They are WARNING devices but nobody comes to switch them off…. I guess they become background noise to the staff. I wonder why they are not connected to the nurse station in the corridor by some means, even Bluetooth, so the sounds are away from the patients. I want to sleep, but I know they are looking for another blood pressure machine to cross check my results.
Quarter To Eleven at night and I am starving hungry. I am trying to not eat the fruit and toast until nearer midnight, when I must stop eating until the operation. Then I am going to have a couple of Paracetemol and hope they put me to sleep. G’night all.
4th Fbruary… evening… I have had the operation. The gall bladder has gone. I wonder if I weigh less. Finger gone. Bladder gone. I should weigh less.
Sure, I finished up with sore bits, but not as bad as I thought I would be. The main problem is fighting the ‘down’ moments. Sometimes I get really really depressed and that is so not me. I can’t understand it. I can’t climb away from it. Debbie, my one woman support team, is constantly there for me, rallying me on, but I just can’t get going again… until now when I have decided that this simply is not the way I want to live.
I have shows to do and people to make laugh. I will start attacking the scene again on Monday because shows don’t just happen by accident. Tomorrow I will make my lists whilst listening to my support team do her Radio Berkshire show.
My next blog will be a lot more cheerful, sorry to have been a disaster. Hope you are all well and happy and if you’re not… that you soon improve, ‘cos that’s what I am going to do.