The title to this piece is stolen from a very funny book by Barry Cryer. Well I’ve got news for you mate…. Hernias are not funny!
It’s Saturday, only two days since the operation and I don’t feel so good. No pain, I just don’t feel right, so I decided to bravely have a look at what they got up to whilst I was asleep. Big mistake. Now I feel worse. I have six holes in my body. Al Capone’s mob couldn’t have done better with a machine gun. Four in my belly (since they distended it I can’t call it my stomach) and two in my arm. No wonder my body is asking what the hell is going on.
I have also read my instructions, no lifting, no driving, a little walking. I am in prison and meandering up and down the patio as if it is the prison yard. Patio sounds posh but I know it is Spanish for back yard, so it doesn’t impress me.
Apparently, whilst I was in the land of Nod, they inject some sort of gas into the tummy and blow it up like a football. That gas exits the body in the usual way and I am now doing the longest farts of my life. I asked the doctor if this was normal but pointed out that thankfully they don’t smell.
He has told me that the long very noisy farts are normal but now they are going to operate again, this time on my nose, to find out why I think they don’t smell……